Fighting Hope

Hope. It's a word we use so flippantly in so many simple daily ways. We 'hope' it doesn't rain, we 'hope' for a win, we 'hope' someone has a nice day. It's not an action, not something we feel deep inside, but a wish thrown into the wind.

I've come to see hope much differently. We now hope through action and prayer, hope with our very souls, not into the wind but directly, truly to God. But what we hope for has sometimes divided our family.

My true hope is that one day we'll have answers, will know where Austin is, no matter what those answers are. I also truly hope that through this, God will use me to have impact on people. While I have a small flicker of thought that he may be alive, it's not where my hope lies. To me, hope is the belief that God will be with us, holding us up, and will give us peace- if we can allow through our pain. Truthfully, I don't believe I'll ever see my brother again on earth, and I can't place my hope in something I don't believe. That has caused division at times, as some see it as giving up.

As I write more about my only brother, the one I thought I'd grow old with, please don't see me as having given up. I have true and lasting hope, that will always require me to put my feet to the ground and take action, but hope that doesn't fail if one day we confirm he's gone. My hope is in Him, regardless of the outcome. One day I 'hope' that I'll be able to share that message with many, but it can't just be a wish, so here's my start to putting my feet to the ground, or pen to the paper.


Lyrics to a song I love:  In Christ Alone (My Hope Is Found) by the Newsboys

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Brought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand






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A funny thing happened on the bike trail.....

This is a story long needing to be told, because it will make those involved laugh.  I hope.  It may also make them cringe, but I'm already smiling as I start to write.  In the early days of Austin being missing, we really believed that we'd be able to quickly figure out where he was, go get him and drag him home whether he wanted to be there or not.  We had people ask what would happen if we found him and he didn't want to come home.... well, mom just laughed and said not to worry, she'd take care of that.  While it was certainly a difficult time, it was also a time of leads and possible sightings.  It was a time of having somewhere to look.  It's a time I miss in some ways.

One possible sighting came in from the Northside area of Jacksonville, and we didn't hesitate to jump in the car and drive all over the area. We stopped often, crossing property lines, peering in windows of abandoned homes, and investigating any spot someone could be camping in.  During our drive, we came across the Jacksonville Baldwin Rails to Trails entrance, and the thought occurred that if you wanted to disappear, there was a lot of land along that stretch you could safely camp out in.  So, we knew we should explore it.  But 14 miles is a long way to search, and there had to be a better way to cover the distance.  So, a new plan was developed by this savvy group of searchers.  We could drive the trail at night when there wouldn't be pedestrians, and would be less likely to be law enforcement to explain our illegal activities to.

A group of four strong, independent women set out close to 11pm, with a plan to go find him. Each time we set out, we truly believed that would be the time we succeeded.  We drove very slowly, and each time there was an area of interest, we'd get out and search.  It took us over an hour to cover it well, and I was so relieved as we reached the end.  You see, I am terrified of getting into trouble.  Blue flashing lights give me a panic attack, and it's been true my whole life.  It started with the horrid memory of a traffic stop when I was about five, though my parents swear I never had a traumatic law enforcement experience.....I'm not sure I believe them.  But enough about my own craziness for now...

By the end, I was driving, having given up on walking the woods in the dark.  It's true, I have many fears. It seems my fear of being arrested for driving this crazy gang was less than the dark woods.  One of our cohorts had been getting calls from her son all along the trail, and she kept reassuring him we were fine and no, he did not need to come rescue us.  That last call had just been made when the trail abruptly ended and I somehow hit the curb, burst the tire and got the car stuck.  You see, the trail wasn't really meant for cars so it ends before the road.  Apparently they weren't planning for a car of women to drive it after midnight, so there were also no lights.  We were tired and punchy and laughed hysterically.  This is when it really got funny.  To those of us in the car anyway.

My mom called AAA because we clearly needed help, but they needed to know where we were.  That was a problem, we had no clue.  We knew we were at the end of the trail, but no idea where that actually was, and there wasn't a road sign for a half mile.  The representative asked, "well, what road did you turn on to get there?" and wasn't ready for the laughter that followed, since we didn't really want to explain that we'd arrived there by 14 miles of bike trail.  In the meantime, the cohorts son called back, found out what was going on, and within a short time had 3 carloads of people there to try to help, which really just meant waiting for the tow truck.  Eventually, it arrived and got us lifted off the curb and back in business, ready to find our way home. 

We didn't find Austin that night obviously, but we did find support and laughter and healing that comes from such a night.  We knew then, as we had been learning over those weeks, that we did indeed have people in our lives who would go through the woods in the dark with us.  Not just metaphorically, but in real life if that's what it took.  I thank God daily for those who've walked those dark woods of all types with us.

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

The Bad One

We had a conversation recently at our house that Austin would have argued with me on.  I guess I just found the one perk of your brother being missing... he can't win the argument he isn't there for!  It was one of those silly conversations that we would have laughed about.

Ben is a handful- a handsome, sweet, independent, smart, huggable, handful.  He walked early, and has been in fast forward motion ever since.  He wants to do everything himself, and when he doesn't get his way, he makes it very clear that he's not happy.  And then he hugs you.  And you forget what a terror he just was.  Almost.

I made the comment that Austin would really enjoy Ben, and would laugh at me trying to successfully parent this crazy little one.  Drew asked me why, and I told him that his Uncle Austin was just like Ben, and would really appreciate seeing me tortured so!  I jokingly told Drew that "Uncle Austin was the bad one and I was the good one."  Drew immediately wanted to know which one he was, and I quickly answered "the good one."

The truth is, I followed the less rocky path, the clearer path, the one that most would choose for their child.  (Note- trust me when I say that I am NOT claiming to have been or be an angel!)  Drew chooses those same paths.  He is more cautious, slower to act and quicker to think.  (Note- he is also no angel!) Drew and I play it safe.

Austin chose to do what was fun and was quicker to decide what that was.  He was sweet and never mean that I can honestly remember.  His path was different than mine, more rocky and curvy, and all his own.  I think it may have been harder, but it was his.  Decisions weren't based on fear but on pursuing what he wanted.  What he wanted wasn't always what we wanted for him, but it was never bad, never hurtful to others.  It was the right path for him.

Ben's path is still so unclear.... but it's already pretty clear that it's not a safe and easy one, but one we'll try his whole life to protect him on, and one I believe he'll enjoy and be a joy to others on.  Just like his Uncle Austin.

Happy 30th Birthday Austin

Austin's birthday is coming up in just a few short days, and as birthdays are usually good for, it makes us reflect on his life.  We're in that really odd situation, that horrible situation, of not knowing if his life is ongoing or not.  Wait, I really should rephrase that, because it's just not true.  This year, Easter and Austin's birthday are on the same day, April 24.  With Easter, comes celebrating that Christ gave His life for us and rose from the dead so we can be with Him forever.  Shortly after Austin's disappearance, we heard from a friend that he had just recently reiterated his Christian faith to her.  What a gift.  Because I do believe that his life continues- maybe here on earth, or maybe in heaven- and I also believe that he's only lost to us, not to God.  God knows exactly where Austin is, he knows and he still cares.  Remembering that helps me remember Austin with a smile, even through the pain.

Austin and I shared a similar sense of humor, and I actually most often miss him when I want to laugh at something we would have laughed at together.  It was usually family, sometimes at truly funny things, and sometimes as a way to cope with the tough things that we didn't truly think were so funny.  I like to think that if Austin were asked about me, he'd say that I tried to help him when I could, and I laughed with him.

This weekend, while celebrating Easter with my kiddos and all their excitement, and with friends at church, and with a bit of family time, I'll be smiling remembering his life, and thankful that God is still in control.

Matthew 6:25-34 (The Message)

 ^25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
 ^27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
 ^30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
 ³⁴"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.