Oh the places you'll go....

Many wild experiences have been had during our search for Austin, some that prove we'll do anything to find him, and this one that just may well prove that we're crazy.  I will start off by saying it was all my mom's fault... well, it was her idea anyway.

A few months into Austin being gone, there had been possible sightings of him in a town near Gainesville. His photo had run in their small town paper and created a lot of buzz, and I believe, a lot of false sightings.  But we had to follow them, had to look.  We spent a lot of time there, staking out locations, searching state parks, and talking to anyone we saw.

One day, a call came in from a man who thought he might have seen Austin.  Though he wasn't involved in drugs himself (so he said), he did do car repair work for some people who were known to, and he thought he might have seen Austin at one of these houses.  He suggested that though we shouldn't visit any of these places ourselves, that if we really wanted to see if he was there, he would go with us.  After all, he had kids and couldn't imagine one being missing, and he really wanted to help.  Uh huh.  Mom knew that this was probably a bad idea, potentially a really bad idea.  But when your son is missing, you'll go anywhere.  And when your mom will go anywhere, I guess you go with her.

Mom and I, along with a friend of Austin's and a guy she knew, left about 10pm.  We took two vehicles, and went to the man's house, arriving about 11pm.  We decided that a few people would go in the car that he would be riding in, and one would stay in another car a bit away to monitor what was happening and be available by cell.  So we loaded up, and off we went.  He seemed nice, and as he got in the car my mom was driving, he chatted about where we were, why he knew these people.... oh, and that we shouldn't go in and he'd be glad to but they'd be suspicious if he didn't have some money on him.  So we gave him a bit of cash, pictures of Austin and set off.  You wouldn't imagine how many of these sorts of houses exist in a small town.  It blew me away.  A few houses were dark and seemed empty, but a knock on the door would reveal someone rough looking who would look at Austin's photo and invite our 'friend' inside for a moment.  I'm sure it was just for better light to look at his photo.  A few seemed like party houses, with music and people milling about.  I was terrified at one house when someone approached the car and asked what we needed.  But mom calmly replied that someone was inside for what we needed and we'd be leaving in a minute.  At each place we went, he did show the photo to every person around.  We saw lots of heads shaking no, some looking at us with sad eyes.  I wondered if any of them had someone searching for their faces in a crowd, or even in a drug house somewhere.  Even if they weren't missing, someone somewhere was hurting for them for the life they were leading.

The night ended uneventful, with us never knowing what happened to the cash, and our friend never offering answers.  He did follow through with what he said he would, taking us into places we couldn't have gone otherwise, and showing everyone he saw Austin's face.  He kept some fliers and said he'd show more people, and you know, I think he probably did.

It wasn't our smartest move, and it could have ended badly.  But desperate people do desperate things, and I'd do it again.  Austin would have told us we were crazy, and he'd be right.  But I'm pretty sure if I was the one gone, crazy or stupid wouldn't have stopped him either.

Some Days Suck

My post title today isn't very proper sounding, isn't very creative, and almost makes me cringe.  But the thing is, some days just do suck.  Today is one of those days.  I'm facing challenges at work that seem insurmountable, I have a bad headache, and I just want to curl up in a blanket.  Home has been stressful too, with a crazy schedule and lack of time to connect.

I try to be positive all the time, but some days just require realizing that life can be tough.  But the key is.... I KNOW it will get better.  I KNOW that I'll get past this and that there will always be rough days, but there will also be days that are amazing and they'll outweigh the bad.  Today isn't a happy day, but today is a day I still have joy, because that isn't based on circumstances but on a faith that God is good no matter.

Austin lost his joy.  But I hope that today, each of you reading this remembers that you have reason to have joy even if today sucks.  Tomorrow is another day.

The Fun One

Not too long ago I wrote about Austin being 'The Bad One' But I've also come to the conclusion that he was also 'The Fun One' of us. I say this laughing, because I have fun. I truly enjoy life, relish adventures, and laugh a lot. Just like Austin did.

But.... he wouldn't have gone to bed at 11pm, while others were just starting their night (like I did last night). He would have stories to tell this morning, other than how comfortable the hotel bed was (but it really was). He wouldn't have considered sitting in the hotel lobby for four hours because the Skyway system might be too easy to get lost in (which it was). He would have just jumped in, though in his own relaxed way.

I'm thankful for my friends who I feel safe enough with to always have fun, and for my mom who always pushed me to live a little (though still doesn't like me traveling alone), and a husband and kids that never let me forget that being with them is the best fun.

Over the years I've figured out how to not let so much get in the way of doing things I find fun. But mostly the change is being okay with my ideas of fun, and being okay with doing my own thing. But still.... Austin really was the fun one, so I guess fun and bad are sometimes the same.


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Flying Away

I'm on an airplane, headed to a work event and a quick visit with family in a city I've never been to. Four days away, missing my family but eating good food, sleeping all night in a nice hotel, and visiting family I rarely see. The nicest thing about traveling, either for work or for fun, is the escape. For a few days I have a reason to not check my blackberry incessantly, have a good excuse to not do things I wouldn't have had time for anyhow, and have a few hours where there is really nothing productive I can do. I'd much prefer my travels to be with my family, but since the trip is a must I'll still take the good that comes with it.




We all need an escape sometimes, a chance to break out of our normal daily routines and experience something different. That may be a chance to relax, or it may just be a different place with new sights to see. My travels don't take me very far, but it's nice to daydream about flying off to distant lands where escape is very real. Sometimes I think I'd love to escape to one of those lands, just me and my guys, and never return.

I don't know what type of escape Austin was truly looking for, though I believe it was a permanent escape from this life he sought. I believe he saw it as his only escape from pain. Maybe if he'd had insurance and could have found relief from the physical pain, he could have dealt with the emotional better. Maybe if he could have just found his own escape he could have gotten through another day and then another. He did escape and 'fly away', that much we do know. He either flew into God's arms or flew from his life into another.

The thing is, Austin couldn't see past his pain that the best part of flying away is that one day soon you'll be flying home. I've barely left, yet I'm already looking forward to coming home to hugs and kisses and the comfort of home. Maybe one day he will too.


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Wiped Clean

Last week I had a computer crash that required me to wipe the computer clean and reinstall everything. Fortunately, I saw it coming and was able to back up critical files that hadn't been saved to the network. Even then, it took most of three work days to get back to fully functioning and caused quite a few headaches. Paths to things I need had to be reestablished, all programs had to be reinstalled and possibly most annoying, I lost all my website favorites. Working for a web based software company, virtually everything I use was saved as a favorite.  Things still take longer to accomplish than they did before.

As I dealt with that, I couldn't help but think of how similar that computer seemed to Austin, and how reestablishing everything and recreating all favorites reminded me of our family and what we've gone through.

Some days it just seems like Austin was wiped from the face of the earth. We knew he was having trouble, we prayed a 'crash' wouldn't happen, and we tried to provide 'backup' in the way of love and support. But much like my computer, we didn't keep the crash from happening. I don't think we could have, though we still all play those questions out regularly. It's been almost four years, and so little of him remains but our memories. Those who loved him remember him, and those who love us remember that he's gone and miss him for us. But it's still a small number, and even friends of his who cared at some point haven't asked in ages. I wonder if they even remember.

As for us... we had to learn what life was like after. Learn how to find our way in this altered world. We needed to learn how to search, how to work with law enforcement and media, how to make people remember. We eventually found our way back to enjoying most of our favorite things in life. But we re-prioritized and made room for new favorites. Those now include people and things we didn't even know of before 'the crash'- like others with a missing loved one who had been in our shoes, search organizations who continue to provide help, and friends who stepped up more than we could ask. We also realized that some things installed in our lives weren't as important as we thought, and left them wiped away.

It still is hard to know that he is wiped from some minds. My own sons won't remember but by stories we tell (one of the reasons for the blog). But I'm reminded and encouraged by the knowledge that there are many who remember, and above all, God knows him, loves him, and has him in his hands no matter where he is.


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The Littlest Tballer

Once upon a time there was a tball player so small and cute, that even the parents of the other teams wanted to see him score.  He had lots of fun, smiled a lot, and was pretty tough.  Even when getting hit by the a pitch from the coach and breaking a finger, he kept on playing.  He was never the tallest, never the fastest, but he gave it his all and turned into a pretty good player.  That was Austin, circa 1986.

Fast forward 20 years or so, when Drew started playing tball.  It was just a few weeks after Austin went missing that Drew went to his first practice.  He was so little, and so cute.  I'll never forget one coach trying to teach the young kids (and Drew was the youngest) about the bases.  He took them around, yelling out the base then asked each kid to repeat it back.  When they got to home plate, he yelled "This is home plate! Drew, what is this?" and Drew yelled back, "I don't know!"  The coach repeated his part, but Drew yet again yelled "I don't know!" and again the scene repeated a third time.  A memory was made.  Drew also repeatedly called "Time!" when he was in the catcher spot to ask for a hot dog, and that same great coach nicknamed him "Big Dog" which he loved.   

Austin never did get to see Drew play, or cheer him on.  I'm positive he would have laughed at the antics of Drew, who was definitely the littlest tball player in the league his first two years.  I know Drew would have loved to have another person cheering him on, congratulating him for big plays, but he would have especially liked to have his Uncle Austin there.  And so would we.  I can't quite fathom, that as we come to the end of Drew's time in tball, that Austin missed it all.  That in the four years of watching Drew grow and mature, watching him go from the little boy who didn't know what home plate was, to the kid making game winning catches at first base, that Austin wasn't there for a moment of it.

I'm sad some days for Drew, that he didn't get to have that.  But I know he has plenty of people around who do cheer him on and do love him.  I hope Austin does too, wherever he is.

Duplicity

We all do it to some extent.... shield portions of our lives from people, hide our feelings so we can continue on without dealing with them, compartmentalizing portions of ourselves.  It makes you wonder, if you look closely, if anyone truly knows all of who we are.  I do it a lot.  This blog is making that collapse to some extent, and though it was a conscious decision, it's still tough to become so open and honest. 

In the days after Austin was first gone, though the world felt off balance, I still had a job to go to, a child to take care of, roles at church to fill, and a home to maintain.  I shared what was going on with those closest, but really believed we'd find him soon and didn't want to embarrass him, or concern people more than 'necessary' if possible.  So I told those I had to tell, and kept most of it inside.  We started catching some media breaks and soon word was out, once our faces and his face was on the news asking for help.  But yet I downplayed it, and tried not to ask friends for help, though many stepped forward regardless.  But yet I continued to say "I'm fine" and go on about my days.  I never even took a day off from work.  My mom was also trying to work remotely, displaced from her home to be near where Austin last was.  I would come home in the evenings and she would finish whatever project she was on (often work, often search related things) and we'd start putting out fliers, drive through areas Austin frequented, or even drive to nearby towns of possible sightings.  The whole time, my husband was also working and picking up the slack with our son and home. 

As there have been less and less things we could do on a daily basis to search for Austin, my mention of him has been less and less.  What do I say?  I don't exactly feel like I should tell random people I meet, or even people who become friends about this part of our life.  I don't want to be pitied, I don't want to have to share my feelings, and I most certainly would never risk someone seeing me cry. 

But wait.... isn't that what I wish Austin would have done?  I wish he had told us, been willing to open himself up to sharing what was going on in his life.  His fears, his pains, his whole life, not just the portions that sounded nice and he thought we wanted to hear. 

I'll probably never be the person who cries in public, or gets past the habit of answering "great" to the polite questions always asked about how we're doing.  But I do want to be the person who can open up and share her thoughts and feelings here, getting one step closer to being real.  That's what God challenges us, to live life together in community, to be real with each other.  I'm thankful for a relatively small group of people that I have been real with, people who sometimes push me there even when I don't want to. 

I wish Austin had felt like he had that.

Tribute for a Mom

This Mother's Day I'll be eating breakfast my guys cook and wearing a fancy hat to church. This Mother's Day my mom will eat in a camper and test her search skills.This Mother's Day I'll have sweet hugs from my sons. This Mother's Day my mom won't have her son here to hug, so she'll work towards a certification for leading searches. This Mother's Day I'd like a jewelry box. This Mother's Day, my mom wants the gift of being able to help bring someone's child home.

Since Austin isn't here to say 'I love you' or 'thanks' I'd like to say it for him. Thank you for being willing to sacrifice so much for him, for me and for others. Thank you for loving us always, teaching us about life, pushing us when needed, supporting us no matter, teaching us the value of hard work and to never give up.

Austin talked to you when no one else, knowing you would comfort but always help also. He respected you and loved you. If here, he would say thanks in a simple and quick way, but would mean it deeply.

Though I have my own methods, I hope and pray that my boys grow to know what Austin and I always knew- that they are loved by us and by God, and can never stray so far to be out of our love. Thank you.




Mom with Monica Caison, being presented with a CUE Keeper of the Flame Award, 2011


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Painful Days

Doctors gave up on a cast after he removed two

Growing up, Austin and I didn't get sick much.  But we more than made up for that with injuries.  You name it, we hurt it between us.  One of my parents first challenges with that was when I was burned severely at a young age.  It might have been a sign of things to come, and maybe even prepared them for having two kids who always found a way to get hurt.  Austin started young also, with a fall out of a shopping cart when he was about 2. It ended with emergency surgery to his finger.  Austin always stayed calm though, and the doctors were shocked when they were able to do it with only local anesthesia.  I however, sat in the waiting room crying the whole time!

As we grew, we continued to mount the falls, scrapes, bruises and breaks.  I was training intensely for gymnastics, and Austin played various sports.  We also spent free time playing with our friends on the land around our house, traipsing through woods, and generally making mischief.  I broke the growth plate in my elbow and spent almost a week in the hospital with an infection after surgery.  I sprained each ankle, wrist and knee more times than I can recall.  But I was pretty tough, and kept getting up when I was knocked down.  Austin was even tougher.  He was playing football in the yard when he heard a pop and had intense pain in his knee.  He was only about 8, but by now we all knew how tough he was, and when he cried about his knee day after day, there was no doubt something was wrong.  After pushing doctor after doctor to find the problem, he finally had surgery which gave him a few years of relief.  It turned out that he had more serious lasting knee issues than we realized, eventually in both knees.

A few days after surgery

Just to prove how tough he really was, he decided to fight a strand and barbed wire and lost.  But no worry, he never cried, even as they decided that he must have nerve damage since the damage to his face was so severe.  He wasn't quite as emotionally tough we learned though, because the few tears that did fall were because he heard Dad might have gone fishing without him.

As a teenager, Austin's knees had reached the point of needing more surgery, this time on both.  One of mine had also reached it's limit, and we each had surgery, just days apart from each other in hopes of finding some relief.  That was the most painful time of our lives, as we were also coping with the recent separation of our parents, and our first Christmas away from Mom.  We had a pretty rough holiday, in physical and emotional pain, and unsure of what was ahead.  I was in college and didn't like leaving him when that break was over.

During the next several years, we faced the family challenges and dealt with the pain, sometimes together.  But Austin was always a private person, so the glimpses into what he really felt didn't come often.  The knee pain grew (as did mine, I eventually had one more knee surgery plus a few others), and he became more private.

Sometime around 2005, Austin and his girlfriend were hit while he was driving her car.  Their injuries weren't life threatening, but for a guy with so much joint and general pain trouble, it was bad.  When Austin's knees went into the steering column and his back took the impact it did, I believe a dark time began.  Soon after, the girlfriend broke his heart, and the the pain continued to grow.  He didn't find much relief from the emotional or physical.

Austin had a job he loved, in a field he had been going to school for.  He had people around him that loved him.  But the pain was too much.  As the physical pain grew, so did the emotional, and trying to cope with both was too much.  We might never know how deep or real that pain was, and we may never know how we could have helped, because though we did try, he kept it hidden.

I'll forever have pain over losing him, that can never touch the physical pain I've ever felt.  His whole life, Austin could take any pain, which leaves us to wonder even more, how bad it really must have been.

Wheels

Austin's love of cars and trucks started at a pretty early age, and I think his favorite gift ever might have been the battery operated 4x4 truck he got when he was about three.  From that time on, his wheels were an important piece of who he was.

Austin's first ride

A few years after that truck was outgrown, he upgraded to a go-cart.  We lived on 3 acres off a dirt road, a dream of a place for a kid with a go-cart.  I'll never forget that Christmas morning, when Austin went plowing through our outdoor decorations, laughing the whole time.  He was on top of the world.  We just laughed with him.  Sometimes I realize I need to just laugh with my boys more, and not worry so much about the things.... I can guarantee you, those decorations wouldn't have survived to today.  But you know, the memories of us all laughing that morning have. 

Austin loved Ford Mustang's and everyone knew he'd have one one day.  When I turned 17, I had finally saved enough money for my parents to match and get a car.  They did better than match it, and I was thrilled when I was surprised with a 1988 Ford Mustang, only about 5 years old and the envy of my friends.  The funny thing was, I had never wanted a Mustang, but it was pretty, and Austin assured me it was the coolest.  I think he was just excited to get driven around in it, though truthfully he also loved seeing people he loved happy.  Not too many years later, he got his own.  Soon after, my mom had one too- a fast, great looking fire red convertible.    We were a Mustang family.

No one could beat him or his car, or so he thought.  I had recently started dating a guy who also had a history of speed.  And apparently I liked fast cars too, because I bought a Mitsubishi Eclipse Turbo.  Austin just knew that his car was faster.  We were hanging out at a friend's house and everyone wanted to know which was faster.... I had no intention of finding out.  So, they sat on me, took my keys and everyone ran out the front door.  Austin had his car, and my new guy took mine, but suggested that I ride with him. He  promised he wouldn't race with me in the car.  He lied.  I was in the backseat screaming as my car beat Austin's down the road we grew up on.  When we got back to the house, everyone high tailed it inside, though the last words I heard as they did were "please don't break up with him!"  I didn't, and as a matter of fact, Austin was in our wedding the next year.

What may be even more bizarre to me than knowing that Austin is gone, is knowing that he left on foot.  Just about 10 days prior, Austin's car had been impounded due to unpaid tickets and he was gathering the money to get it back.  He didn't like relying on friends to get him to work, and we thought he had it figured out.  The last day that anyone who knows him saw him, he had called into work to go take care of the tickets.  The next day, when he hadn't called work and didn't show up, they knew something was seriously wrong.  It was about two months later when we learned what really happened, that Austin had taken a cab and gone to a pawn shop.  From there he walked on foot to a store to buy ammo and a duffel bag, then back to the shop to retrieve the recently purchased shotgun.  The he left.  Just walked away.  Almost four years later, and no one has seen him since.  He left everything including a paycheck, signed blank check, laptop, and even his car.  It just still makes no sense.  He should have been on wheels.