Goodbye My Friend

Flying over a city is such a different perspective than what we see from the street. From a few thousand feet, it's difficult to distinguish between types of buildings, with homes and offices looking the same. Vehicles look the same, with no recognizable difference between passenger cars and semi trucks.

Then as you descend, things start to come into focus, and you begin to realize that there are neighborhoods and parks, shops and offices, looking much like in any other place you might land. And for a while the cars look like ants and no more movement can be seen.

Then it finally comes into focus, now seeing life buzzing all around, with people coming and going in their lives all around you. The homes no longer look all the same, and the personality of the area is perceived.

But you still don't see, even when on the ground, what is happening behind the doors. A drive through the neighborhood gives you some clues, but until you spend time in the home or in the business you still don't know the intricacies of the lives lived there. Even then, what we know is often what people want us to.

I wrote the first portion of this blog post while high above, when my access to the outside world was cut off and I only had my thoughts for company. I had no idea that when I landed, I'd learn that a friend was gone. I had been thinking just minutes before that I'm thankful we don't know what's around the corner, because we might not be able to face it. My timing was ironic.

Diane was a friend who came into my life when I truly needed a friend. We'd just moved home to Jacksonville, had a newborn and a lot of uncertainty. Though it was home, we didn't have an abundance of friends and little to connect us. We visited a church, felt welcomed and comfortable and after a few visits learned of a new moms group. It was just what I needed, and though I was nervous about going, went and found a small group of women who I would form lasting friendships with. Diane was the reason for the group, with her passion for connecting people.

As I got to know her, and then eventually her family, it was like flying in lower, starting to see more details and until we really saw behind the doors of each others homes and lives. When you get close to the ground, and close to people, you see that it's not as perfect and shiny as is looked from farther away. But you also see character and interest and details that make you love it or them more than you could have from above.

Diane had a sweet spirit and loving heart that was evident from far away. The closer you got, the more you could see it. She also had pain and torment from an illness that you didn't see from above at first, but over time her friends saw more clearly. She closed the doors, kept the windows drawn and mostly kept us out, as much as we tried to get in. And we tried. I've missed her for years, but prayed that one day she would throw the doors open and let people help.

In the end, her illness was too strong for her to see the promise of tomorrow. She loved her son more than life itself. She loved her husband through it all. But the pain was too much and she chose to end the pain.

I will always remember my friend for her sweet spirit, her smile and laugh, her love of people, and for bringing me together with people that are now true family.

But I will also remember that we never know what the next moments hold and we never know what we'll find as we get lower and closer to people. If we're blessed, we find people like Diane who only prove even truer when we get close.

I love you and miss you my friend.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Searching for Hope

This weekend, while many people spent their mornings leisurely sipping coffee while reading a newspaper, at a farmers market, at a ball field, or shopping for gifts, there were people choosing to spend their weekend another way.  They chose to leave their homes in various parts of Florida, coming in trucks with trailers, with four wheelers and generators, maps and flashlights, and dogs of all types.  They met in the cold morning air, full of coffee and energy, and with a focus on their goal. 

While some people thought about what gifts to buy a loved one for Christmas, they thought of how to give a gift to someone they love that could never be bought and the value of never measured. 

Sunday morning, while many went to church to seek God's love, they went out to be God's love exemplified. 

They thought they were searching for my brother.

And they were, but they were searching for more.  They were searching for renewed hope for us, that people still care and that we may one day find him.  They were searching for a way to show their love to someone who has worked beside them and become important to them, my Mom. 

They didn't find Austin.  But they did find hope.  They did find a way to show love.

As the group pulled out Sunday evening, after days of exhausting work, they might have felt like they hadn't brought anything back to us.  They would be wrong.

Thank you.

Let's Go!

We've been trying to figure out what Ben has been 'singing' for a day or so.  It sounds something like this- "la la rahu, la la" and a tongue clicking sound twice at the end.  My husband the toddler translator finally figured it out.  He's saying "let's go Drew, let's go" which is commonly heard at the ball field, chanted by the team as a kid goes up to bat.

Ben cheering for Drew on the mound

Ben adores his big brother and wants nothing more than to do what he does.  But with a six and a half year age difference, that's just not possible.  He wants in his room to play with anything of Drew's.  He wants on the ball field to run the bases with him.  He wants to go anywhere he goes.

Most little brothers are like that, but what may be the coolest thing about their relationship is that Drew is Ben's biggest fan too.  Yes, he gets annoyed with him at times.  He kicks him out of his room.  But Drew loves him and hugs him and plays with him often.  He shares with him (usually happily) and shows him how to do things.

They are each others biggest fans, and we love to watch it.  And one day they won't play so nice and will fight and maybe even wish they were an only child, but hopefully for a short time.

We all need people cheering us on.  People who believe in us.  I sometimes believe in people more than they believe in themselves, and I know some days people believe in me more than I do myself.  I'm thankful for people that God puts in my life to say "let's go!" to me and really believe in me.  I pray that I can be a cheerleader for my boys and my husband every day.  I pray that I can see friends in need of that and cheer them on as well.

I may not have a brother here to cheer me on, but I have great memories of days when he did.  And I pray when my boys grow that they continue to cheer each other on, and have more than just memories.

Hebrews 10:24
Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.

Today

Hours do not have enough minutes. Days do not have enough hours. Weeks do not have enough days. Months.... well, you get the picture. We run out of time to do what we need or what we want. We make choices constantly on what gets our time because for most of us, not everything we want can be done.

I face this daily. And daily I feel guilt over it. I feel guilt because I didn't spend enough time with my boys, didn't get home soon enough to give my amazing husband a break, didn't get tasks done on a project at work, didn't answer every question my team asked, didn't finish script edits for church, didn't check in with a friend I meant to, didn't make calls to get donations for the search. Then at times I feel guilty for not spending a bit more time on me to keep me from getting burned out so badly I have nothing left to give.

Last night we drove about 30 miles out of town and I had moments of dreaming of living out there, away from it all. Just me and the guys and a visit to town or visit from friends now and then. And then I remembered that I'd go crazy after two days.

I love all that I do. I'd love a little less of it, but I haven't figured out how to make that happen.

So for now, I'll keep doing the best I can. Today isn't the day I become the world's best mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, employee, boss, volunteer or anything else. But maybe I'll do good enough to make it one more day.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Influence

Throughout my life there have been many influential people, those I admired and respected and who helped shape my world view and self view. I could write entire posts about those people.

I listened to a speaker this week, one who has had influence on me and many around me, and thought how much I'd love to be able to have the impact and influence he has. Just a portion even. But one of the things he spoke about was the importance of leaders in our churches who partner with parents to influence our children. Influence + influence = even greater influence.

That got me thinking about how everyone has influence in some way. Each of us has influence in ways we realize and ways we don't. We hope our influence is more good than not. We sometimes forget that though we don't necessarily have influence over thousands, those we do impact matter just as much.

And our influence is probably greatest than we ever know. I wonder if Austin could have ever known what influence he would have. His name is known by many he never knew, and he's now pushing me out of my comfort zone to have influence on a few through sharing my experiences. He's having influence through my mom who is sharing her time and skills with families going through the same.

I needed the reminder that though my influence is small, someone is watching everything. My children are influenced by my actions more than my words daily, and they will also have influence one day. I need to never forget that.

You have influence. How are you using it today?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Things I Hate

1. Introducing myself to people. (though I love talking to groups)

2. Cold mornings. (thankful I live in Florida)

3. Sharing feelings. (though I'll tell you my thoughts any day)

4. That I didn't share more feelings with Austin. (but I hope my actions spoke louder than words)

5. Asking people for things. (and I seriously stink at it)

6. Failure. (anything less than success is not okay to me for myself, impossible standards sometimes)

7. Change. (the grass is always greener right where I am)

8. Missing People.

9. Socks. (I know it's weird, but they aren't for me.)

10. Having to face the things I hate. One of the reasons I'm stronger than I was 4 years ago is that I've had to face all that and more (the list could go on) though I didn't want to. I still don't like any of them, but I've found I can face them, can handle them after all.

Except socks.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

One Scary Night

I do not enjoy scary things and never have.  We could delve into my psyche to figure out if it was indeed the severe burns and weeks in a burn unit with great pain that caused my fear of doctors which could have caused a fear of other related things... or if it was worsened by a near disaster when a man attempted to hold up my family as an older child... or maybe it was the woods around our house that always felt creepy with the unknown.

Truthfully, I don't think it was any of those things, I think I just am not someone who likes the dark, the creepy, or anything in a white coat.  Though I'm sure some of those things had impact along the way.  But I do love Halloween, as a time not to be scared but to transform into something fun, when you can greet neighbors and eat candy, and be someone other than your ordinary.  As a friend said, "We celebrate candy and fun!"

While I've never really understood some people's fascination with gore and fear, I understand it even less now than ever.  Do they not know that there is real terror in the world on a daily basis and while they can they should focus on the good?  Do they have so little trouble of their own that they want to imagine the worst?  Or maybe being scared simply reminds them that what they face is not as terrifying as what could be.

But for us and so many families with a missing loved one, we have enough fear.  We've faced them down and proven brave enough to look for answers no matter what they may be.  We have enough gore, with possible scenarios for some that are worse than any movie they've seen.  We have enough suspense, never knowing what a day may hold with news we've been waiting for over years.

So we'll celebrate the fun.