The Deep End

This morning I did a search on a few key words, hoping to find that our press release last week garnered at least one tiny mention in local news.  So far, nothing.  But it did lead me to read back over a few articles from the early days of our search, and reading those were a bit surreal.

In one, my Dad was quoted as saying "My fingers and ears are sore from communicating non-stop," and the article said "indeed it appears that he, family and friends have left no avenue unturned in their fervent hunt for their loved one, a hunt they believe will be successful."  In another article, I was quoted as saying ""We're never going to stop looking for him," she said. "We'll keep searching til the day he's found, whether that means they find him alive or find his remains."  My mom had similar quotes, with the added impact of being a mom searching for her son.

During that time, though we had to beg for coverage and help, we found it.  We were fortunate.  But now it's been almost five years, and the quotes would be much different.  Very few people ask questions about Austin, and it's very seldom we talk about him.  It seems as if all there is to say has been said.  We no longer have large scale searches every weekend and spend our weekdays hanging flyers and knocking on doors.  The areas that family and experts alike think to search have been searched and cleared, it's no longer likely someone will see his face on a flyer and remember seeing him. 

Today's quotes might be different, but have no doubt that the same belief that we will be successful in our search is still there.  Our timelines have shifted- we now know it may be years more, instead of the days we initially expected.  For some of us the belief of what we'll find has been shifted.

The world moves on so quickly and we so often expect people to move on- but hearts don't heal as fast as the news changes, and not all stories can get wrapped up in a bow.  I read a post from the mother of a missing woman who has been gone 8 years next week, Elsha Rivera.  She's raising money to put flyers out to the Fort Worth, Texas area where she was last seen, and hoping to get media coverage.  She was asked yesterday why she's bothers.  She bothers because her daughter is missing.  She bothers because her grandchildren miss their mom.  She bothers because someone likely did something to Elsha, and that person is still out there to hurt others.

The more I think about it, the more I'm glad that people don't just move on.  I'm not sure what our world would be like if love was so shallow.  Love is deep.  Thank you God for that.

Check out Elsha's story today.

Proud of my Mom

Yahtzee!

Yesterday, Ben was digging through a stash of board games and found an old Yahtzee box. He grabbed my hand and pulled me over, asking me to play with him. We play a lot of games in our house. If we're eating we're playing something. If we're driving we're playing something. We play games, make up games (Shoopahat should be marketed!), shop for games.... we love games.

It's no surprise I married a man as competitive (and fun loving! game loving = fun loving or so I tell myself so I don't just seem a competitive crazy!). Once upon a time I had to play Yahtzee with my mom for 4 hours because I was winning and she couldn't stop until she got back in the lead- I finally quit ahead, knowing she'd never give up.

Sometimes I forget small details about Austin, wrapped up in the last days and the what nows... but Ben gave me a gift when he dug through the game stash and pulled out the Yahtzee box. Not only did he confirm that he's one of us, but when I looked down at what he was scribbling his 'scores' on, I saw this:



It was a small reminder of when we could sit down and play a game, laugh together, and postpone difficult things for a few minutes of fun.

It made me smile. It made me not mind the mess Ben made, and sit there playing even longer.

By the way, it's hard to tell from the score sheets who won- he had fewer games on the card, so not sure which matched up against which. Wish we could settle it with a rematch. I might even let him win.... nah.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Break in the Clouds

It's a gloomy, rainy, cold and bleak day where I am today. Its not that bad by a local's standard, but it's 30 degrees warmer at home. I want to get home. Days like this often make me think of Austin because of the dark nature of the clouds and rain. And much like spring seems so far away that it's hard to believe it will ever come, warm bright days must have seemed that far away from Austin. He had so many rainy, cold and gloomy days in a row, where the sun peaked from behind the clouds for moments, but didn't stay.

As I began to write this, I had a sense that I've written this exact thing before, and I must have run out of original thoughts. But that's how it is when you have a missing loved one. You don't get to follow the grief model, going through phases with an eventual new normal. In our world, we go in circles, repeating searches, repeating emotions, repeating thoughts. Even when you aren't battling depression, life with a missing loved one mimics it. There are glimpses of sun, days when we believe that answers will come soon. But the days linger on, turning to months and years, like a long dreary rain with nothing but gray clouds in sight.

So forgive us if we don't move on, we seem stuck, or we seem to have lost hope some days. Or if we just write the same blog post over and over. One day the sun will break in our search and I'll figure out what to write then. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Do what you do

I always dream big in the New Year, and in my best years dream big about how I could serve God- like.... let's pack up the family and spend a year traveling and serving to help others and teach our children that there is nothing more important that what we give.  Or this will be the year I write the book that inspires people to find their hope in God alone.

That's all cool stuff.  That's all stuff I dream of doing, and hope to one day.  But that's not today.

Today I'm at work, then heading home to play with my kids and make sure baths and homework and more is done.  I'll need to fold some laundry, pick up toys, possibly even cook.

So today isn't the day I do works in His name to show others His love.  But of course it is!  Or it can be.  Colossians 3:23 says Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.  My friend Diane never forgot that whatever she did could be an act of worship if done with the right attitude.  She told friends to light a candle while doing household chores as a reminder that they were serving their family and so serving God by taking care of showing them love.  She turned the ordinary into worship, simply by it being that in her own heart.

So today I'm reminded, to do whatever I do knowing that where I am is where I serve today.

'Do Everything' Video- Steven Curtis Chapman


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Another Year, Another Prayer

The passing of time is bittersweet, with the joy of watching my children grow, but realizing that each day they're closer to being all grown.  With each passing year I strengthen relationships that have weathered storms, but also realize that more years have passed without connecting with old cherished friends.  We welcome new life, but also realize that the days are dwindling for others we love.

That bittersweet realization came especially true last week as I visited my ailing grandmother, likely seeing her for the last time.  Our family had some time to explore the area, playing in parks I played in as a young child, and seeing family that I love and rarely see.  Visiting those roots, and the passing of another year also makes me think of Austin with bittersweet memories.  His photos are in that home, from him as a baby to the most recent ones we have, and I was reminded that there are people who remember and love him.  That part was sweet, as the only people who seem to remember him are family, and some days feel as the rest of the world doesn't know he lived.  But another year has passed with no word, no answers, no closer it seems.

This was our fifth Christmas without him, and in some ways it is easier and in some ways harder than the first.  I was thinking on the families going through their first, and likely not sure how they'll ever get through another if they must.  I remember being them, meeting a family who had been searching for 7 years, and thinking that we couldn't do that.  But we're close, and if the years continue on, so will we. But I also know that family we met found answers, as I hope we will. 

But through all of those thoughts, both of loss and of how much we have, I tried to think of how to start the new year.  Last year I decided to begin writing, decided to put my heart on 'paper' and share with anyone who would read it.  That was a huge leap for me, as I prefer to share my thoughts, but not really my feelings.  And it has been good, better than I imagined actually.

I heard Rick Warren speak yesterday (via video).  He is the author of 'The Purpose Driven Life' which is the best selling book of all time worldwide, other than the bible.  Wow.  To have that kind of influence and to be used by God in such a way!  He said that the purpose of influence is to speak for those who have no influence.  I was reminded yet again that while my influence is small, I can use it to speak for those who have no influence- those who are hurting, those without hope, or those with it who need someone to help.

While I listened, and wondered how I could do that more, he went on to say that this year we should look at what we have and throw it down to God.  Much like Moses gave his shepard staff to God, and God used it to lead His people across the Red Sea, we can look at what we have in our hands and though we may have no idea how God can or will use it, if we give it to Him, He will. 

So this year, I'd like to share my story with more, throwing down the small gift I have to offer.  I pray that this year, God uses my heart and story even more than last year, and that I have the courage to look for opportunities to share it.  My fears in asking for opportunities to share is something that I can't overcome alone, but can with Him.  So there it is, my prayer for the New Year.

I pray that this year, we all use the influence we have to speak for those who have no influence.  That whatever usually gets in our way, from fear to complacency, be pushed aside.  That we look at what we already have in our hand and throw it down for God to use.  You and I will likely never have the influence of Rick Warren, but we can be used here and now.

Happy New Year!